While browsing through old facebook photos to do the 10-year challenge, I found this: an old journal entry I’d shared with my friends back in 2013, to show some breakthrough I’d made about my mental health.
“Friday, March 29, 2013
“Sorrow and regret have, thus far, been my only reliable companions. Wanted or not, they follow me on every step of my path.
“Their company, though I’ve grown quite accustomed, is detestable at best. So wary am I of drawing yet more of their unwanted attention that I have ceased living for fear that my pursuits of love, adventure, and happiness would provoke them.
“A wise tactic, it seemed at first. But over time I’ve come to realize that I am plagued with sorrow and regret as a consequence of attempting to avoid sorrow and regret.
“Such is the irony of my life.
“Surely then I must alter my course — but how? The uncertainty causes me anxiety and despair which I fear I haven’t the words to describe.
“The logical thing to do is to bring about significant change in small, easily managed steps. Therefore I will map a course to change, identify the necessary steps, and execute them one by one.”
The rest of the entry was more personal than I wanted to share. But the part I wanted to share was my realization that half my hurting comes from trying to avoid being hurt. It’s a big self-realization for me.
And yes, that’s my handwriting… not my neatest, but it’s mine.